Dream of the bashed calf 

the heart touched by tweezers, dream of the willow tree 

moaning and swaying my long hair in the storm 

back and forth, back and forth in grief 

laughing and cursing from tormenting helpless grief 

world storming with me comforting correspondence 

lightening splitting open the sky to show me 

the crack she entered through, O my love, my love 

I see the film of you enter the clouds 

you speak thunder and your eyes sparkle 

and rain comes, pelting my coat slowly, and I look at my sleeve  

in amazement, feel my head getting wet 

when I look back you're gone 

only shoulders of storm clouds, I can't even look the rain 

hits my face so hard, I give up the wish.  

The rain releases the pressures of holding it in, the rain 

sputters under tires 

full of grease as it mixes 

but it is dropping generously and clear, releasing all the pressure 

which had been building up for years 

since the day we learned you had cancer, before that 

during those times we didn't use our love to hide our fate.  

I know you could not give me back myself, that part of me 

which is in you. Love is eternal. We make deep connections 

and one by one 

the ends of these strings are planted in the ground.  

They are not strings. They are reins.  

I'm holding them to hold onto you.  

I'm going to let go and trust them, for I am in the world 

but I love the dead 

I need the dead. Those living around me 

are so often in the realm I do not understand, driving, 

driving as though they're going to keep driving forever.